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WIP, please tell me what you think!

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1 WIP, please tell me what you think! on Wed Aug 13, 2014 5:51 pm


Top Ranger
Top Ranger
This is a little story that I have been working on! Smile

Chapter One

The Boy shivered as snow floats down slowly, covering him and all that he could see, soaking his simple, black robe and stinging his pale skin. It had been snowing for weeks, covering the forest with a serene silence as the icy flakes spun in the wind.

The boy's pale blue eyes fogged over as he thinks about summer and the warmth it would bring, the flowers, the animals, the sunlight......

"Rildin!!" A rough and angry voice cut through the silence "Haven't you cut that wood yet?" it said, as a silhouette appeared walking through the snowy fog, coming towards him

Rildin's head jerks around to look towards the sound "Almost finished, Master!" The boy said, quickly picking up the axe from the snow and starts chopping at a small tree, not wanting his master to find out that he had been day dreaming again

"Its about time!" The voice says "The fire is dwindling and you have been out here almost an hour!" The silhouette comes closer, revealing a tall thin man with thin legs and arms,his hair long and white, bald on the top of his head, slowly walking through the snow, carrying a wooden staff with a piece of shining black stone set in the top of it, casting a faint glow across the snow.

"I-I'm sorry, Master, I was slowed down by the snow!" Rildin says, chopping faster, hoping that the man would let it pass.
The man scowls "Well hurry up there, boy!" He says, wrapping his lavish purple cloak around himself "Its almost my supper time, and I want it on time!"
The boy nods, cutting the tree down and starts splitting it into logs "Yes, Master!" he says

The man grunts and turns away, hobbling back the way he came, his limping gait leaving strange looking footprints
Rildin sighs and continues chopping the logs, then loads them onto a makeshift sled, struggling with the thin rope, he slowly starts to pull the load of wood after the man, following the footprints through the forest. As he walks, a faint light is seen through the snowy haze, which forms into the flame from a candle sitting in the window of a small cottage. The cottage is made of white spruce wood and has a thatched roof. a small curl of smoke emits from the stone chimney, which juts from the roof.

Rildin pulls the log to the door and opens it, walking in and sighing with relief as warmth thaws his chilled body. He stacks the wood next to the doorway and pulls his gray cloak off, hanging it on a hook, the ice covering the cloak, melts and dribbles down the rough fabric to drip onto the floor, making a large puddle, then the boy pulls his hood down, letting it hang from his shoulders and his copper hair reflects the meager firelight that seems to struggle for life.

He gasps and hurries over, dropping to his knees and quickly starts blowing on the flames, fanning them and making them start to regenerate themselves, then he gets up and retrieves some dry logs from the doorway that had been sitting there for a while and piles them upon the ashes and flames. The flames hungrily start to eat away at the wood, burning it and causing the fire to grow larger and cast a comfortable glow around the cottage.

His master walks out of a doorway at the end of the room and closes the door behind him "Hmph, I see your back!" he grunts "Well, don't just stand there, boy." He says, when Rildin just stands there "Get started on my supper!" he yells, making the boy scramble for the kitchen, then turns and walks back into the dark room

Rildin quickly gathers some herbs and a small piece of meat from the supply that his master had bought on his last trip to the village, and puts them on the table, then runs to the main room with a bucket, opens the front door, gathers snow into the wooden bucket and then runs and dumps the melting snow into the large cauldron that is hung over the fire.

He waits for the water to start to boil, then runs to get the herbs and meat, rapidly tossing the ingredients into the water and stirring them around with a wooden hand-carved spoon that is sitting next to the fireplace, then adds some seasonings as he stirs, the stew slowly starting to boil

Chapter 2

The man walks back out of the door as appetizing aromas reach his senses "Sniff, well, I guess your good for something, but your late!" he growls "no supper for you tonight!" he says, ladling the food into a bowl and starting to eat the appetizing stew

Rildin frowns, but bows his head and walks up the stairs to a small attic, whose only function is as Rildin's bedroom, containing only a small bed, a washtub in the corner and a tiny table with a candle on it. Rildin sighs and sits on the bed and places his face in his hands, the exhaustion from the hard day of work catching up to him as he lays back, the thin straw mattress and thin blanket hardly keeping the cold air away from his skin. He shivers and curls up into a ball, his eyelids getting heavy and slowly closing, falling asleep....SMACK, a bundle of dirty clothes hit him in the face, waking him up "Clean my laundry!" The man says, his bald head disappearing back down the stairs

Rildin scowls and picks up one of the dirty robes, the collar stitched with his master's name 'Zacharias' and throws it against the wall. making dust puff up from the walls, making him cough, then when the dust clears, he wipes his eyes and opens them, then notices a glitter of light emanating from one of the many pockets on the cloak. He kneels down and reaches into the pocket, feeling an object wrapped in cloth and pulls it out. But before he can get a look at it, he hears his master approaching and hides the cloth-wrapped object into his own pocket, then balls up the robes and throws them into the washtub.

Zacharias pops his head in "Hurry up with that!" he snaps "And don't forget to keep the fire going tonight!" he disappears back down the steps. Rildin hurries downstairs to stoke the fire, then when he finally gets back up the steps, he is too exhausted to even take a look at his discovery, just falling onto his mattress and falling asleep, snoring quietly until morning, when he is awoken by his his master's angry tantrum about the fire being out. Rildin quickly pulls the object out of his pocket and unwraps it. finding a small Amber crystal on a thin silver chain. Rildin gasps at the sight of the glowing stone and looks at the stairs, making sure that Master Zacharias didn't hear, then he takes another look at the stone.

The crystal's inside seemed to be alive, swirling around and glowing, like it was liquid. Rildin puts the chain around his neck and tucks it into his robe, hoping his master won't see it, then heads downstairs.

Zacharias is standing there with his hands on his hips, his fuzzy white eyebrows knit together in anger "You let the fire go out, boy!" he growls, making Rildin take a step back

"I'm sorry, Master, but I was exhausted last night!" He says "I fell asleep and didn't wake up until morning!"

The old man grunts "I raised you from a small child and this is the thanks I get!" he says, turning and stalking to his room, slamming and locking the door behind him, leaving Rildin to start a fire

Rildin sighs and carries a few logs from the new supply of wood to the fireplace and starts rubbing some leftover sticks together until it sparks a flame and catches on the logs, warming the room as the flames grow in strength, then stands up and walks to the kitchen to fix some sweetened gruel for breakfast

A few minutes later, Zacharias walks out of his room, locking the door and sitting down in his chair "Well, dont just sit there, Boy, serve up the food!" he snaps

Rilding quickly ladles the gruel into a wooden bowl and hands it to his master, watching with an anxious look on his face, afraid that Zacharias will find it inadequate

Zacharias eats a bite and then tosses the food onto the floor "Bland and tastless!" he says, getting up and grabbing his cloak "Im going to the village for supplies, clean up this mess!" he says, then storms out of the cottage, slamming the door

Rildin sighs and shakes his head, cleaning up the spilled gruel and walks up to his room, sitting on the bed and pulling the crystal from his robe and holding it up to his face, the crystal letting of an amber glow, dancing around the walls and lighting up the room.

He stares at it, mesmerized by its light and swirling patterns, wondering about what the crystal is for and why his master was carrying it around in his robe.

Rildin clutches it in his hand, watching the light sparkle from between his fingers, then notices movement on the floor and glances down, suddenly realizing that his feet are slowly vanishing from sight, starting at the toe and spreading up towards his legs, making him panic and reach down, but strangely feels his feet, though he can't see them "What the.....?!?" he says out loud, dropping the crystal from his grasp, his feet suddenly reappearing

"Hmmm!" He says, picking up the crystal and squeezing it again, making his feet vanish, but this time he lets it continue until he has completely vanished "Intriguing!" he says, loosening his grip and reappearing, then he repeats the process and grins "Magic!" he says, realizing the opportunities that this provides with Zacharias gone

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2 Re: WIP, please tell me what you think! on Wed Aug 13, 2014 6:00 pm

Personally, I quite like it so far. You did well on portraying Zacharias' malevolence.

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3 Re: WIP, please tell me what you think! on Wed Aug 13, 2014 6:00 pm


Top Ranger
Top Ranger
Thanks a lot! Very Happy

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4 Re: WIP, please tell me what you think! on Wed Aug 13, 2014 7:03 pm

No problem!

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